Meaning of Life Trajectory

Age 17ish -Journal Entry
The meaning of life is that we are to bring meaning into our own lives, we are responsible in making our lives meaningful.

Age 20ish- Elevator Conversation in College with Academic Advisor
Laura- So you’ve been working hard? Probably figuring out the secret to the meaning of life. (smiles)
Me- (staring at elevator buttons). Hm.. no. You know, I don’t think I want to find out the secret to the meaning of life. Let’s say you find out the secret to the meaning of life. Then, what? What do you then? That’s like the ultimate thing and you’d be done with life and everything else would just pale in comparison.

Age 23ish-Late night conversation at a diner with close friend
Me-This whole time I have been trying to figure out the meaning of life…and it’s explained right here! Clear and plain. I can’t believe I didn’t know about this. It says. “Faith is man’s response to God, who reveals himself and gives himself to man, at the same time bringing man a superabundant light as he searches for the ultimate meaning of his life….. The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for..(CCC26-27)” Its right her in the first pages of the Catechism. Wow. It’s like just wow. (sigh).

_____________________________________________________________

The meaning of Life (human life). Or the meaning of own’s life… my life. These questions emerge and haunt me even now, even when I supposedly “know” the meaning and purpose of my life (in the general way, I mean the Catholic perspective). Unfortunately, I was born with a disposition towards existentialism in a world that often refuses to accept any “grand narrative” or objective truth. So it is a struggle to totally  accept that I was created through love and freely “acknowledge that love and entrust [myself] to [my] creator.(CCC27)” To conceive of unconditional love, that which can only come from God is the greatest mystery and the most difficult blessing to allow myself to accept. This utilitarian world we live in, which measures and calculates the profits, return on investment or cost of anything whether it be in materialistic economic activity or social activites (friends, relationships), only creates an understanding that in all places boundaries, conditions exist. Conditions for being paid attention, for being listened to, for being liked, for being loved. People say that your parents will always love you no matter what. It is true that not all children experience love from their parents. But if the argument is that your parents will always love you, is it becuase they are your parents and you their child? Is that the condition? Would they love you if you were a complete stranger. I always wondered that, would my parents love me if I was not their child but a complete stranger. Am I then still lovable? Granted I canot be a stranger with God, for he created all things. But I often wondered what or why would God love me? Is it only because he created me? I try not to linger on these questions too long for they break my heart and cause terrible sadness in my soul. I only hope to one day truly understand and accept God and his unconditional love. In God’s love lives my freedom in truth.