The words we say.

As it occurs these days, I texted my friend William to see how things were looking up for him. In the past few months he has experienced a great amount of life events (thats the sociological term). Some of them great blessings and joys others sorroful, but embedded in each an enormous amount of emotional, psychological and physical strain. In our subsequent phone coversation, we discussed a myriad of things from graduate paper topics, navigating cohort politics and the whole landscape of academia and our personal belief systems. Both of us are Christian, in particular I am Catholic, and he is in best terms non-denominational Christian with a Baptist upbringing.
Thankfully our friendship has been a blessing so that the religious hostile or indifference pervasive in academia does not suffocate us. We both have had to navigate through the treacherous waters of post-modern without fully being swept away in it’s seductive ideology. At times at least for myself I can often find myself practically scared and worried, as if in a dark dark forest, not knowing if what I see in the darkness is true, much less God’s existence. I close my mind thinking that it is in fact’s God’s existence that keeps me sane, even in the dark shadowy world that surrounds me.
Many years back I had walked away from God. At least I doubted about how much he was a fiction of my culture’s imagination. And I doubted that I had truly freely chosen to believe in God, perhaps it had been a simple chance of my being born to a particular family with a Catholic background. What about the others? Those who did not believe or believed differently? What would happen to them? Can I believe in such a God who would damn people to hell simply becuase they did not have the same opportunities to be Catholic as I had? This line of thinking make sense if you are in sociological science and being to be educated about social constructions.
So I left and I searched and learned about other religions that for me seemed more benevolent to those who were unknowing to them.  I watched different Christian programming, read about Buddhism and visited temples. Ironically I still attended Mass out of a sense of normalcy, although it was surreal. My vantaget point of Mass was one of being an outsider, a stranger. I didn’t not take communion or even say the prayers, I simply sat in the midst of the entire faithful, thinking, almost envying the evidence of faith to what was transpiring.
Then one day in my journal I wrote the words of how I truly felt.
I miss God.

My friend William, during our phone conversation, retold a significant conversation that occurred between me and home over 8 years ago. I have faintest recollection of this conversation (depression and depression meds tend to create holes in ones memories). William discussed about how his research might affect his faith life and if may evidently lead him to agnosticism or atheism. But then he says he remember a conversation where some said, don’t worry, you’ll miss God and that will always call you back to him. Ridiculously enough I asked him, who told you that?…He reponse to me: “You did.” Wow, i don’t remember the conversation yet the sentiment sits in the back of my mind. It is strange how we witness our faith in God to others even when our faith is uncertain and troubled.

I can only thank God for having me miss him, so that I may be able to love HIM.

Friendship maintenance

Text Message exchange
Me: Can we chat or skype tomorrow or thursday?
Friend #4: Sure, what time?
Me: Is 8 good or 9 be better?
Friend #4: Let’s shoot for nine. I’ll call you first.

eureka.  (little light bulb moment). I am THAT person I had once vowed to never become. I now am a human that has to fit in or create a meeting request to “maintain” my friendships. Friendship maintainance. How very clinical …how artificial. I used to be more of the romantic, instilled with the idea of serendipitous/unpremeditated, yet fated interactions as the origin and subsistence of relationships. It is paradoxical and more importantly ironic that I desire a predetermined destiny, that life should be beautiful and wonderful without my effort. That I abandon free will. That all I need to do is show up to life and it will be there just for me. No, kittens don’t just pop out of rainbows and neither do skittles by the way. The origins of  friendships with people can have varying circumstances, some by chance or possibly high probability. It may seem spontaneous and so natural, that it was destined. As humans we are social beings needing interactions with other humans. We require to share lived reality because it creates bonds and meaning in our world.
And you meet people whose interests, core values, tastes, experiences, and/or sensibilities align with yours. You care about these people as human beings and in turn they may care and be interested in you as a human being. (Time) X (Shared Experiences) X (Mutual appreciation/affection)= Friendship (how mathematical).

Moving along the trajectory of one’s life you realize that things change, responsibilities and/or opportunities pull us in different directions. This may lead to new friends, new social connections, or the opposite we may slowly find ourselves having people who at some point seemed so fitting disappear from our lives. There are beginnings and ends to all things. And we can rationalize or justify our relationships ending due to all kinds of reasons. When I think of this I am reminded of Aristotle’s categorization of friendships. According to Nicomachean Ethics friendship can be based on utility, pleasure, or of the good. Aristotle does place a hierarchy to these types placing utilitarian friendship as the lowest and friendship “of the good” as of the highest virtue. So when you find yourself with friendships of the good…then it is understandable to find a way to preserve such relationships.

Arguments are made quite readily on how technological advances connect/disconnect humans, people, humanity. Like any tool it can have various uses for various ends. Staying on one’s iphone during a dinner conversation or surfing the internet during a weekend with friends serve only to disassociate us, to detach us from our lived reality in real space with other people. I have come to   realize that even with the propensity of these types of inappropriate, detrimental behaviors, when we are geographically distanced by those we would want to share our lives in friendship, technology can and is beneficial. And that may not be so bad, but a saving grace. In this rushing fast paced world, where our geographical locations are constantly in flux along with our concepts of family ties and community, adaptation to ensure our fellowship with others is not only preferred but essential. And as clinical as friendship maintenance may sound, it is in fact simply another way to describe caring and cultivating community.

These are the moments when…

I can be the most social person and at the same time I can be the most unsocial person.

My professional job requires me to be very sociable with practically complete strangers and I can do it most effortlessly most days. Yet, when an invitation to a  gathering of friends, such as a wedding, a baptism, or virtually any party arrives in my mailbox (email, facebook, or postal mail) I become socially paralyzed. Not because I don’t want to be with my friends and see people, but because when I am amidst a large group of friends, I am haunted by so many painful thoughts.
Should I even be here?
Would anyone even notice if I wasn’t here?
Wow, I just said the most annoying or stupid thing in conversation.
Look, at those happy people/couples/parents, I am neither of that and never will be.
I don’t have anything in common with them, why am I even here?
Who wants to listen to what I even have to say?
Those people are much more (holier/smarter/prettier/interesting/saner/insert valued adjectives) than me.
Why are people even friends with me?
If I died, would people even miss me?
Why did I just blank out when someone actually tried to converse with me?
Realizing that everyone else is having a good time, but all I feel is pain and emptiness.

And then I leave said party and I feel horrible. I feel like the most worthless person in the world. My mind races with thoughts regarding how I am of no value to anyone. I become severely depressed and I just want to cut all social ties in that instant. I am tempted to shut down my facebook, to not chat online with friends, to simply go “dark” or quiet with any communication. I feel so disconnected and unloved, that I want to replicate that in some physical way in my life. And when the pain and sadness is so stark, I unfortunatley have a desire to hurt myself.

A few years ago along with my depression diagnosis, one of my p-docs mentioned that I had “cluster b traits” This is code for having traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s the type of illness that many pdocs are reluctant to full out diagnose their patients, due to it’s insidious nature and emotional instability and percieved difficulty in treating. This part of my diagnosis I don’t fully share with people I know because it has such a high stigma or “scary name” and frankly people have little knowledge with it. Like depression, I have been on numerous medications and years of therapy, which have alleviated some of the most debilitating aspects. Now I can recognize the bad thoughts as the lurk around the corner. Unfortunately that doesn’t keep them away.

In the darkness of my pain, I realize that I am having the most selfish thoughts. And then that leads to how I am not being faithful to honoring the gift of life God has given to me.  Everything comes under scrutiny, my life, my future and I begin to question why am I even living. Existential crisis permeates my entire being and I can’t shake it off. I can’t bring my mind to another thought. The attempt to open my heart to God brings me to tears as I drive myself home. And I wonder yes, this will probably dissipate within the next few days, but does that mean that I really have value now? I struggle between completely shutting the world away and calling someone and just telling them how horrible I feel, that I’m going through psychological warfare and I just want to be reminded that I shouldn’t let it get to me. I send a text to a friend to see if they are around, but no answer.
It is such nights that I am left very much alone, alone with God. But my mind won’t let Him in or sabotages any prayer with God. I am stranded in my emotional state. So,tonight I will just force myself to sleep, to leave the conscious world. I will push/force myself to at least make a small prayer to God, the Our Father and ask (rather unhopefully) for his healing and grace, at least for some restful sleep.